I had one of those moments tonight when I realized in retrospect that I had failed as a mother. I didn't see her. I let some precious moments with my daughter slip by me because I just wanted 5 (ok, maybe 15) minutes to myself, to check email (I had left the computer off all day so I wouldn't be tempted to check blogs, emails or see what's up on eBay). Daddy and Ryan were making special notes for us in the front room because they're leaving in 5 hours to drive to eastern Oregon to bow hunt for a week. Sarah was asked to stay out of the front of the house to give them time to do that. Our computer is in our room and she came in more than once and asked to sit on my lap. "Not right now" was my reply. I wanted to be able to catch up on the day's emails (mostly junk, of course) and check blogs. She told me she didn't know what to do while the boys were out front working on their cards. I told her to get some books and climb up on my bed. "Can you read to me?", she asked. "Not right now, sweetie. Just look at the books on my bed." She gathered a few books, climbed on my bed and read for a while. After a while she got down and asked again. "Can I sit on your lap?" "Not right now, sweetie. If you're tired go hop in bed." And she did.
It wasn't until about an hour later that it hit me...that pit in my stomach feeling. I was moving the clean laundry from the bed onto the floor in preparation for bed (I do this many times a week until it's finally!! folded.) I moved the clothes and there were the books that Sarah had brought in. The ones she'd asked me to read. The ones I told her to look at by herself.
I'm having a hard time controlling the tears even now. I didn't SEE her. Oh, of course I could see her, I knew she was in the room, I heard her requests and answered each question. But, I wasn't present in those moments to her. I let those sweet minutes with her pass and missed an opportunity to snuggle on the bed with her and look at Curious George books. I saw the books and immediately went into her room where she was fast asleep with her favorite pink teddy tucked under her arm and snuggled up to her face. I lay down on her bed and snuggled up to her and just cried. I asked God to forgive me for all the times that I'm unkind in the way I respond, for all the time I waste on things I think I need to get done or do so I can feel like I had five minutes to myself in a day. The frantic scurrying around I often do to keep the house in some kind of order. For who? For what? Time wasters. Things that don't matter; things that can wait until the kids are in bed.
I kissed her arm, told her I loved her, and asked for God's grace and patience to be on me. Lord, please help me to remember what's important, to be a servant to my family and to You by keeping my priorities in order. Help me not develop the attitude of a slave where I check things off a list without remembering why I'm doing this all in the first place...so that among other things, my daughter will one day know to choose to read a Curious George story with her little one rather than choose a few extra minutes on the computer.
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